Page 242 - James Caan - The Real Deal

The Real Deal

situation, when someone gives you a simple option you tend to
take it, and within a couple of hours the burial had been arranged.
Slowly, we were all given tasks and I really understood why our
religion adhered to this practice: we all wanted to feel that we were
doing something, and these rituals took us through the first stages
of grief and disbelief. When you feel so lost, having traditions to
guide your actions is so beneficial. I felt a part of something, and
although my religious life probably involved little more than
observing the Ten Commandments for most of the year, I was
immensely grateful for the guidance of my faith that day.
However, the family friend who was advising us told us of one
ritual that I was unsure of: it is a tradition, a requirement, that the
sons bathe the body of the father in preparation for burial.
Our father’s body was taken to a funeral parlour where they were
clearly experienced in Muslim funerals, and we were led into the
room where the preparations for burial were made. The experience
of washing our father, washing his hair, is beyond description. The
four of us – me, Adam, Andrew and Stephen – cried throughout and
we all sensed that we were taking care of him, and in taking care, by
undertaking this intimate procedure, we were also saying goodbye.
It was the most emotional thing I have ever done in my life and it
filled me with grief. It was my single worst moment – I have never
felt that much sadness at any other time – but through it all there
was a recognition that it was part of the healing process.
My father had died on a Friday, the most religious day of the
Muslim week, and his funeral was conducted as part of the normal
Friday prayers. Our families arrived at the mosque and we all
prayed for him. I think Jemma and Hanah were confused and
upset to see their dad so distraught. They held on to me, and
having them close made me even more emotional.
As the service took place, my thoughts turned to whether or not
I could have done more for him. Had I been a good son? I was
more emotional than my brothers – the grief just poured out of me

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